Like Helen of Troy
by Lai Jun Chen
Summary: Allen is being 'courted' by a ridiculous number of people, both Noah and Exorcist alike. See the chaos that ensues as Allen tries to escape his various pursuers with his sanity and innocence intact. Romantic comedy, 'crack' piece. No set pairing
1. Chasing Allen

This is complete crack- just a drabble sort of thing I wrote while exhausted and a little tipsy. It's based off of a quiz i tried to write up for quizilla, which I never quite finished. It's nothing epic, just supposed to be an ammusing short peice. Regardless, please tell me how you like it.

The number 3 is supposed to be a heart for the Earl's speech, but this was as close to a heart as the program will allow.

I do not own -Man

**Like Helen Of Troy**

_In which the Earl is looking to recruit new Noah._

"Good evening, I am the Millennium Earl-" 3

"Earl! Tyki won't play with me and I can't find Allen-kun!"

"Road, please. I'll talk to him later, but right now-" 3

"Oi, shonen, Allen! Come back. I'm sorry. Really I'm-"

"Tyki! What have you done to my Allen-kun?!"

"Shut up, Tyki, you perverted bastard! Couldn't you have at least asked me out before you tried to molest me?! I can't believe you! Going off about how much you supposedly _love_ me, but you-"

"But Allen, I really _do_ love you."

"That's _it_! Crown Clown! Innocence, acti-"

"That is _enough_!! Can't you all see I'm in the middle of making a commercial to recruit more Noah?! For the love of-…" 3. The Earl finally took in Allen's appearance. "_Honestly_, Tyki-pon, I expected you to have better self-control. Poor Allen looks positively… _mussed _and rather frazzled. Couldn't you have _at least_-" 3

"That's it! You Noah, I swear… So why don't we help you with that commercial, Earl?" Allen offers, as he calms down and puts space between him and Tyki.

"Fine, fine. Well, the applicants have to answer certain questions- to see what, if any, aspect of Noah they could fulfill." The Earl hands each a copy of his questionnaire. 3

"Earl, this looks…stupid," Road says unenthusiastically.

"It is not! They are very valid questions. Such as number… seven! What kind of animal would you choose to be? You can tell a lot about a person by-" 3

"Seriously though, a rabbit? A _penguin_? A _sloth_?? Tyki asks incredulously. "Though, I bet Allen and I would make _great_ bunnies."

"Back _off _my Allen-kun, Tyki," Road says dangerously, already grasping what the Pleasure is implying.

"_Us_? _Bunnies_? Why do you say that Tyki?" Allen asks, completely missing Tyki's meaning.

"Well Allen, _love_, you know what bunnies do best." Tyki begins to mentally undress Allen, _again_, as the white–haired boy blushes scarlet at the innuendo.

"An-anyhow, um, maybe the Earl meant to _get rid_ of the applicants who picked those animals."

"Err… Exactly Allen, _exactly_! You are such a help, really, how did we _ever_-" 3

"Fine. What about question four? 'What is your favorite plot genre?' _Really_ Earl-"

"Well that one is to-" 3

"Ah! To see if they enjoy horror and the like, as they should if they're to be Noah. Right?"

"Exactly, Allen. You are so on top of things today. And question number-" 3 The Earl is cut off _yet_ _again_ by a suddenly very annoyed and suspicious Noah of Pleasure.

"Why _are_ you being so helpful Allen?"

"Because if he recruits new Noah, I can _quit_ and be away from _you_, Tyki! From all you crazy people."

"But Allen-kun! You can't leave us!" Roads whined again.

"And I really do love you Allen. I'll prove it-

"Oh really? How? By _jumping my bones_? _Again_!

"I'll do any-"

"Stop it. _Again_! Commercial. We're still on the commercial." 3

The other three are silent, for the moment.

"All right, question number two: What do you do, or plan to do with your life? Do you 'A'-" 3

A moment that didn't last nearly long enough for the Earl.

"Get _off_ of me Road! I wasn't even doing anything inappropriate."

"Not _yet _you weren't, another few minutes alone and you might have _actually_ managed to deflower him."

"Guys? Hey-"

"Well it's not like he doesn't _want _to. He's just shy," Tyki defends.

"Why _you_! My Allen is _pure_ and you're just-"

"Guys!" Allen tries again.

"He's not _your _Allen damnit!"

"Of course he is you-"

Allen sighs from the sides lines, and decides it's time to bow out.

"Bye Earl. Good luck with the commercial." And Allen vanishes from the set.

"Goodbye Allen. I'll _try _to tell them you left," 3. The Earl waves before turning back to the Dreams and the Pleasure. "Now Road, Tyki, this kind of behavior really must stop. You can't fight over the Musician-" 3. The Earl goes unheard.

"Allen-kun has always liked me _best_. Besides, I met him first and how do you even know that he likes guys?"

"I have it on very good authority that Allen is pan-sexual."

"Allen is… Who told you that?"

"That's not important. He is. So I have as good a chance as you. At least _I_ don't look like a twelve year old. Why would he even go for someone who looks so _underdeveloped_?"

"At least I look closer to Allen's age. Isn't he more likely to want someone who looks only a _few_ _years_ his junior as opposed to someone who looks about _a decade _his _senior_. Plus, I can always change my appearance."

"Well, at least I didn't _gouge out his eye_ on our first meeting and-"

"Hey, it grew back didn't it? And on _your_ first meeting you tried to cheat him and his friends. The second time you you almost destroyed his Innocence and tried to _kill_ him, and _again_ on his ark. I don't think you're _ever _going to be his favorite, Tyki-_pon_."

Waizurely and Lulubelle enter and find the Earl sitting in a corner of the room looking thoroughly annoyed.

"Earl, I brought you the list of possible Noah candidates suggested by the current Noah and the Akuma." Lulubelle hands him the folder before asking, "What are they arguing about this time, Earl?"

"They're fighting over possession of the 14th," Waizurely answers. "By the way, where is _dear_ Allen?"

"Oh, he left that way," the Earl gestures vaguely to the left, "escaping to the kitchen no doubt." 3. The Earl finally looks up from the documents in his hands. "Why do you ask, Waizurely?" 3

"It is easiest to seduc- i mean _court_ dearest Allen when these two are otherwise occupied. Allen is so _pretty_, and so interesting," Waizurely says distractedly.

"I will come with you, Waizurely," Lulubelle says, a hint of emotion in her usually dead voice.

The Earl's eyebrows rise to his hairline. "You too, Lulubelle?" 3. He gives her a questioning look.

Tyki and Road continue to yell at each other in the background, unaware of the conversation involving their beloved.

"…He is quite charming, Earl." At this she blushes ever so slightly.

"Poor Allen. So much trouble the lovely Musician causes. So many admirers and suitors… dangerous suitors. I guess he's lucky that that Samurai Exorcist doesn't want him, too. Who knows what might have happened to the boy." 3

"Well this is just _great_," Waizurely gripes. "As if it wasn't bad _enough_ having to compete with the Pleasure, but the _Lust_, as well? This sucks. I'm off to find Allen, before anything worse happens."

"Good day Earl." And with that Waizurely and Lulubelle exit.

"Well, now to get rid of these two."3. It took five minutes to even find an opening in their argument. "Road, Tyki…? Waizurely and Lulubelle were here not long ago, if you didn't notice. And-" 3

"Hey, where's Allen?"

"I was just about to tell you-" 3

"You were talking about Lulubelle and Waizurely, not Allen."

"I was getting there! As I was saying, Allen left over ten minutes ago. Lulubelle and Waizurely went to look for him. _Apparently_, they're interested in darling Allen as well," 3 The Earl said deviously, hoping the two would leave in search of the 14th.

"What?!!" They shrieked simultaneously.

"If you hurry perhaps you can catch them before-" 3

A scream could be heard, along with a great deal of yelling and quick footsteps on the approach. Allen burst into the room, looking even more disheveled than before, Waizurely right behind him.

"_You_! You stay away from me. You can't just _do_ that to people!"

"But Allen dear, I just wanted to show you how I-"

"Show me what, _exactly_? How much you'd like to molest me, too? You're _worse _than Tyki!" Allen continued to back away from Waizurely, unwittingly backing into Tyki. The Noah of Pleasure wrapped his arms around Allen's torso as soon as the younger male was close enough.

"Allen, love, you've come to me for protection. I'm flattered. Now, what did this _terrible_ man do to you? And what happened to your shirt?"

"_Him_!? You did almost _exactly_ the same thing. Let go! I'm getting _out_ of here." Allen managed to struggle free, but ended up in Road's grasp.

"Allen-kun, you can't _leave_ me. I love you. You're my _favorite_."

"I doubt that's all that flattering when you think of the person as your _doll_," Tyki said acidly, grabbing Allen's arm to try to extricate him from Road.

At this point the Earl became completely fed up and left to find aspirin for his oncoming headache. "Kids these days... Poor Allen… the pains that come with beauty..." 3

"Would the two of you stop tug-of-war with him. He _isn't _either of yours. Lulubelle and I-"

"Lulubelle? She's interested in him, too? That's _just_ great. Competing against the _Lust_ of Noah for someone's heart… but then, where is she?" Road asks sullenly.

"When we found Allen in the kitchen, she straight out asked him to dinner. He agreed and she left."

"Allen-_kun_, you want to go out with _Lulubelle_, but not me?"

Just then Kanda and Lenalee burst into the room. They were shocked to see three Noah fighting over a half-naked Allen Walker.

"The Moyashi _what_?!" Kanda asked in a low growl, having just overheard the last few sentences.

Kanda advanced on the Noah without further ado. "Unhand him at once, Noah." Tyki found Mugen at his throat.

"What have you all done to Allen-kun?" Lenalee asks in worry, as she activates her Dark Boots. The Noah begin to back off.

"Ah, Lenalee, I'm fine. Just a little… disagreement. What are you two _doing_ here?"

"We're going to take you home, Allen-kun. We had Leverrier and his cohorts executed so you can return to the Order. And… and Kanda has something to tell you."

"Okay, but why now? You can always visit me on my ark."

"Well, we _were_ just here for a visit, but we overheard you all just now and well… Kanda, _tell_ him."

Kanda stiffened. "What, _now_, now?"

"Yes, you idiot!"

Allen looks at him expectantly, looking absolutely adorable- downright _sexy_, really- with his hair all a mess and half his clothes falling off.

"Moyashi… _Allen_, I um…"

"Yes, Kanda?"

Kanda steeled himself, grabbed Allen by the shoulders and kissed him roughly. Completely shocked, his brain already on overload from the day's events, Allen was able to do nothing as Kanda pulled him closer and deepened the kiss. All the other occupants of the room had nosebleeds by then. Kanda parted, but didn't let go of _his_ Moyashi- whose mind was obviously still in a haze from that _one_ kiss.

"Come home, Moyashi," Kanda said as kindly and seductively as he was capable of. (It wasn't much, but for the Moyashi he was trying).

"…That… was _so_… hot. I don't think I'd mind Samurai boy having Allen-kun if I could see that now and again," Road said in a daze.

"Yeah," Lenalee agreed, equally out of it.

Snapping out of his own stupor, Waizurely shook his head. "This is too much. I concede defeat. I'm out of here."

Tyki, however, would have _none_ of this. "Give Allen _back_. He's not leaving with you, _ponytail_."

"You think not, _beauty-mark_? Moyashi is _mine_."

"Oh, not _again_," Allen groaned, slumping into the corner chair the Earl had occupied earlier.

The Pleasure's weapons came to his hands as Kanda took his stance with Mugen.

"The shonen is _mine_. He stays!"

"Over my dead body."

Road and Lenalee tried fruitlessy to break up the increasingly violent fight.

Unseen, Lulubelle slips into the room, grabs Allen, and they leave unnoticed.

"Would you like to go out to dinner now, Allen? It's been a long day for you. You must be hungry."

"Ah, thank you Lulubelle, that's very thoughtful. I would love to. But first I think I should change. I look like a wreck, while you look… stunning." Allen blushed at her appearance. Her sunglasses were gone, her hair was down, and instead of her usual business suit she wore a tasteful cocktail dress.

"Thank you, Allen." Lulubelle blushes as well. "I'll wait for you in the foray." Ten minutes later a very elegant Allen escorts a dazzling Lulubelle out of the mansion and into a waiting coach.

~Tyki and Kanda's fight continued unabated

Road and Lenalee, noticing the lack of Allen, and sick of the boy's fight, decide to have tea, far away from Kanda and Tyki.

"You know, so many people are in love with Allen-kun that he could probably end this war _just_ by asking," Road mused. "Wouldn't that be funny." The girls giggle at the thought of the prophesied 'Destroyer of Time' ending the war in so mild a manner.

"If anyone _else _falls in love with Allen-kun we'll end up with a _new_ war fought over _him_. Just like Helen of Troy. It's _so _romantic." Lenalee said dreamily.

Road whole-heartedly agreed. "Allen-kun is _so_ lucky."

A loud crash and the shattering of glass could be heard from the end of the Camelot mansion.

"Boys," they muttered to themselves, and continued with their tea.

**~End**

Thank you for reading. Please review and tell me what you think of this piece!


	2. Noah Quiz

Sorry, this isn't a chapter. This is the quiz I tried to make, but this sort of thing really isn't my forte. But having spent a stupid amount of time on it, and considering it is what the fic is based on, I thought I would add it anyhow. Also the quiz isn't actually set up to correspond with any of the quiz answers at the bottom. Like I said I never finished it. Thanks for reading Like Helen Of Troy.

**What Noah Are You?**

**One**. **Generally, you feel 'blank' about The future?**

Uncertain, uneasy

Confident, carefree

Curious, intrigued

Uncaring, uninterested

Irritated, angry

Excited, eager

Hopeless, despondent

Content, you accept whatever comes your way.

**Two**. **Which of the following is most like what you do/intend to do with your life?**

Botany, zoology, natural sciences

Writer, artist

Politics, event coordinator, schmoozer

Military, law enforcement

Stripper, gold-digger, consort

Doctor, surgeon

Movies, model

Teacher

Philanthropy, Peace Corps

Business, administration

You are/feel like a failure

You have a career but are miserable

You have no idea what the future holds

As little as possible to get by

**Three**. **What do you do in your free time?**

Chess, puzzles, games of strategy

Gardening

Reading, writing

Baking, sewing

Partying, hanging out with friends

Exercise

Sleeping

You love to try all sorts of new things

Travel

Anything to do with the opposite sex (or the same sex, as the case may be)

Volunteer work

Organization, cleaning

**Four**. **What is your favorite genre?**

Romance

Action/drama

Science fiction

War stories, tragedy

Instructional, reference books

Poetry

Anything as long as it's well written

Classic literature

Biography

Mystery

History

**Five**. **What word(s) best describe you?**

Kind Giving

Introverted Unsociable Shy Quiet

Extroverted Loud Excitable

Pensive

Cruel

Passive

Follower

Aggressive Reckless

Meticulous

Greedy

Self-assured Courageous

Oblivious

Disinterested Apathetic Uncaring

Determined Dedicated

Accepting

Cautious

Creative

**Six**. **What would your super power be?**

Telepathy

Strength

Flying

Telekinesis

Mind control

Invisibility

Shape shifter

Time travel/control

Speed

Eternal youth

Creation

Love

Psychic

Move through objects

Dimension control/travel

Nature related

**Seven****. What kind of animal would you choose to be?**

Hyena/vulture

Lion

Wolf

Rabbit

House cat

Tiger

Dog

Penguin

Dolphin

Sloth

Elephant

Horse

Anaconda

You'd prefer to just stay human

Bat

Can you be something mythical?

Fox

**Eight****. What Greek deity would you be?**

Dionysus

Zeus

Hephaestus

Hera

Aphrodite, Eros

Ares, Eris

Hades

Athena

Hermes

Apollo

Demeter

Poseidon

Artemis

Hestia

Morpheus

A Muse

**Nine****. What is your astrological sign?**

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

**Ten****. What is your sign according to the Chinese calendar?**

Rat

Ox

Tiger

Hare

Dragon

Snake

Horse

Sheep

Monkey

Rooster

Dog

Pig

**Options for New Noah:**

Despair

Honor

Love/Lust

War

Deception

Reality

Ignorance

Vanity/Beauty

Age/Time

Revelry

Will

Hope

Sloth

Nature


End file.
